Harry Potter and the Seriously Evil Plot
by Thalwen The Stabby
Summary: It's Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts and Voldemort needs a new plan.. a good plan.. a seriously evil plan, and he thinks he he finally has one. Now complete. Mild violence, some rather (im)mature content.
1. Prologue

**Harry Potter and the Seriously Evil Plot**

(A Harry Potter Fan Fic)

By Thalwen the Stabby

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

**Prologue**

It was a dark and rainy night. Storms were brewing and the wind was heavy with poorly rendered sharks.

"My lord, it's raining sharks again," Wormtail muttered.

"Shut up you imbecile, it's almost time," the Dark Lord replied.

"Time for what?"

"Same thing we do every night you moron – try to take over the world," Voldemort replied and let out a long and clichéd evil-villain laugh.

"Now let's see... we've used a year-long contest in order to get Potter to touch a port key, spent another year trying to get a predictable prophecy. But now I have a better plan, a brilliant plan!" Voldemort went into another round of evil-villain giggles and then pointed his wand at a curtain at which point four girls appeared.

The first girl stepped forward, "I am Mary Sue. I'm from New York City but I transferred to Hogwarts because I already completed all my subjects and I've already completed training as a healer and Auror. I'm both beautiful and extremely strong and I know every spell that's ever existed but I haven't found the right guy. I'm just too beautiful, too smart, too powerful for the American ones."

The second girl teleported forward, "KAWAIIIII!" She Shouted, "I am Hello Su! I am a ninja and a witch and I have super ninja skills and I say KAWAIII and Konichiwa a lot... a lot!"

The third girl stepped forward sulkily, "I'm Nella Swen, I am nothing special, I'm ugly and plain and I have no interests except moping around and I'm just looking for the perfect guy to be perfect around me and maybe do some of that kinky stuff like breaking my ribs."

The fourth and final girl stepped forward sexily, "Fangs a lot for invoting me (geddit FANGS hahahahahaha). I am Enoby and I am a vampire and a witch and I do everything sexily and I need to find a sexy guy to be sexy with because I'm tired of sitting around sexily drinking blood and masticating."

The Dark Lord continued laughing like a maniacal school girl. Soon... very soon he would have his revenge on the Boy Who Lived. Not even the cruciatus curse would inflict the kind of pain Potter would soon be facing.. for soon.. very, very soon.. these girls would be making their way to Hogwarts for Harry Potter's sixth year and each of them had been enchanted to instantly think Harry Potter was their perfect boyfriend. Once he got his laughter together, he went to the window and rubbed his hands together the way only an evil stereotypical villain would and watched the sharks pour from the sky.

Meanwhile Mary was brushing her already perfect hair while deciphering ancient runes, Su was performing ninja kicks and yelling "Believe it!" for no good reason, Nella was sulking and Enoby was drinking blood and mutilating a fresh piece of grammar.


	2. It's Raining Sharks! Hallelujah!

**Chapter 1**

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Harry awoke at the Burrow with his scar hurting as usual. Another year, another one of Voldemort's plots to kill him was coming. It was growing rather tiresome. He went downstairs, his trunk packed, ready to go to King's Cross.

"Hey Harry, what do you think it'll be this year?" Ron said cheerily.

"No idea, but maybe sharks? It's been raining poorly rendered sharks a lot lately," Harry replied.

"Don't you boys worry about that, I've bought shark-proof umbrellas for everyone," Molly Weasley said, waving her wand and setting the table for breakfast, "Now hurry up and eat. Those umbrellas may be shark-proof but Arthur was denied company cars again and driving with those falling from the sky all the time will be a nightmare."

She was right. It took hours to get to Kings Cross. Not only were sharks falling, but now octopi as well and sharks that look to have been cross bred with octopi.

"Looks like seafood for dinner again tonight," Molly said with a sigh.

The platform for the Hogwarts Express was bustling with the normal students and families. Harry waited to board when he heard a voice, saying something. He looked around to see a girl who looked absolutely ordinary and boring in every way except that she seemed to not be able to keep her balance and kept falling over.

"Are you alright?" He asked with some concern. Perhaps this girl had been a victim of the Dark Lord. There was a war supposedly going on so there should have been some victims by now.

"I'm fine.. but you.. you're beautiful, you don't sparkle but I can forgive that.. so beautiful.. "she trailed off and fell over but Harry caught her before she fell over again.

"Have you been attacked? By Death Eaters?" He asked, being slightly more concerned now, perhaps someone should take her to St. Mungo's or the headquarters of the Order.

"My name is Nella. I've just come from Spoons, Nebraska, I'm a witch but my squib sister is better at magic than I am, but enough about me. Let's talk about you.." she stumbled and stared at Harry, "What's your favourite books, music, quidditch team. I need to know so I know what to like. I want to like everything you like.. you're so pretty and manly and perfect."

"C'mon Harry, the train's about to leave" Ron yelled.

Harry paused. He couldn't just leave the girl who had a mad look about her. If she was on her way to Hogwarts, she would likely fall on the train tracks and get run over. He reached out her hand and helped her on the train and into the compartment where Ron and Hermione were sitting.

"This is Nella, I think she's ill, we'd better keep her here and get her to Madam Pomfrey when we get to school. I think Death Eaters may have harmed her."

Ron and Hermione shrugged and continued to circle around their obvious unresolved sexual tension while Nella continued to stumble around her seat, falling over to the floor many times, beaming at Harry with her face in a plain grin with poorly installed braces. She kept asking Harry question after question.

"What's your favourite food," she'd ask sulkily.

"Treacle tart, why?" He'd reply.

"That's my favourite food too," she said in a voice that would bore Professor Binns.

It went on like that for a while until they were starting to get a bit irritated.

"You know, my parents are dentists, you should go see them about those braces," Hermione said sharply.

"Hermione, this girl has likely been cursed. We need to find out who did this to her. This may be just the beginning of one of Voldemort's plots to kill me. It's a new year, which means he needs a new overly-complicated plot to kill me."

"That's true, but she's really starting to get on my nerves."

Hermione tied some magical ropes around Nella to keep her from falling over and buried herself in a book while Ron amused himself with the latest issue of Max the Mad Muggle. But Harry continued to be concerned and started to feel pity for this girl. Who was she? What had she been through? Despite Voldemort's terrible ability to make decent evil plots, he and his followers were capable of some very powerful Dark Magic. Nella kept beaming at him and asking him questions. It was like Colin Creevy, if Colin Creevy had become a creepy girl.

And then.. a girl appeared at the entrance to their train cabin. She was wearing fishnet stockings, and a corset from Hot Topic (all black lol Raven) and high heeled shoes from Hot Topic and a short sexy skirt from (LOL guess!) HOT TOPIC! She was drinking blood from a blood juice box because that's all they had on the train.

"What r u prepps doing?" She said sexily, "Vampire is mine. Come on Vampire, let's go to my cabin and do it and drink blood."

"Who the hell is Vampire and who are you? Can't you see this girl is ill" Harry replied, very puzzled at the situation.

"I am Enoby Goff, but if u want that stopid preppp I'll just go do it with Draco while he slits his wrists"

And just like that, the strange girl disappeared.

Harry leaned against his seat lost in confusion. This had to be part of Voldemort's plot but what? A sick, likely cursed girl and a clearly mad one that had never been at Hogwarts before. He knew what he had to do, go to Dumbledore and wait for him to give him a vague non-answer and then put him in unnecessary danger. Yes, that would clearly be the thing to do.

Back at his Evil Lair of Evilness. Voldemort was cackling with his evil villain laugh (which, incidentally, had just won the Best European Evil Laugh Award that year) and rubbing his hands together, stopping only to rub his snake. Yes, this year – he would have the last laugh – an award winning laugh at that!

Meanwhile the rain poured heavy with sharks.


	3. The Sorting Hat's New New Song

**Chapter 2**

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Finally, the train arrived at Hogwarts. It had stopped raining and the full moon shone above them. After having Nella fall over at least five times, Harry resorted to just carrying her.

"You're so strong Harry, such muscles, you must be the strongest wizard. Oooh a full moon, maybe a werewolf will come out and try to bite me and you can wrestle him shirtless," Nella muttered. Harry shuddered at the thought. Having seen his good friend and mentor, Remus Lupin in werewolf form, he had no desire to wrestle one, and the shirtless thing was just weird. He wanted to give her to Hagrid but he was busy taking the first years across the lake, armed with his pink umbrella, no doubt in case the sharks started raining again. Finally they got to the castle and he saw Professor McGonagall's familiar face and approached her.

"Professor, this is a new student from some town called Spoons, I think she's been cursed by Dark Magic, she can barely stand up. And there was something else, another girl on the train – she was calling me a vampire and wanting to drink blood. Please, help this girl and let me see the Headmaster." Harry said, handing Nella over to Professor McGonagall.

"I was informed about a few new students that would be attending.. but I didn't imagine them so.. "

"Please, Professor, I think this is part of Voldemort's yearly plot to kill me," Harry said with a touch of desperation.

"I will have Mr. Filch take her to the infirmary, but I must attend to the sorting," McGonagall replied, "and the Headmaster is on vacatio... er.. an important trip to the Wizengamot to do important things, I don't know when he'll be back but please, please Harry, these students are new.. and odd.. I'm sure you understand how they feel. Please, for my sake, try to make them feel welcome." And with that she went into the castle, to prepare the first years for sorting.

Harry went in to join his fellow Gryffindors at their table. As usual, the feast had been served with all sorts of delicious treats.

"New students? I wonder what house they'll be in" Hermione pondered.

"Oh I bet that's one of them," Angelina Johnson said, pointing at a blonde girl dressed in neon ninja clothes that seemed to be trying to break one the tables with her hand.

"What is she doing?" Seamus asked

"Barking mad if you ask me" Ron chimed in, "The one on the train seemed to be ill and there was another one but I think she's some sort of vampire and.." his voice trailed off as another girl came in. Her shiny brown hair had been done up in a perfect and very complex braid. She sat down neatly and took out a book written in an obscure language and began to sing in perfect pitch.

"Pretty...girl..." Ron drooled. Hermione looked murderous.

"Ahem, good evening everyone," McGonagall began her speech, "Headmaster Dumbledore cannot be here due to his trip to the Baham.. um.. disadvantaged magical war zone to save orphans who are stranded on the beach. As always, let us start with the Sorting Hat's annual song."

She put the dirty and ragged old hat on the chair and it began to sing,

_A thousand years or more ago  
when I was newly sewn,  
there lived four wizards of renown,  
whose names are still well known._

_But if you ask me, I think you'll understand._

_Never gonna give you up,_

_Never gonna let you down,_

_Never gonna run around and desert you,_

_Never gonna make you cry,_

_Never gonna saaaaay goodbye,_

_Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you..._

McGonagall finally hit the hat with a silencing charm, looking slightly flustered.

"I apologise about that. As you all know, the hat reacts to events that are going on and it's been under a lot of stress. And now to welcome our new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor seeing as our last one was an escaped convict disguised by polyjuice potion. This year's victi...er newest member of staff is none other than Red Shirt Man. Please give him our warmest welcome!" Everyone's eyes turned to the generic looking man in the red shirt who seemed to be beaming with joy and pride.

"Hem, hem" Red Shirt Man piped up, "If I may say a few words"

"But of course"

"I know the last few years have been hard on you, with a new professor every year. Professors that seem to die or disappear or try to kill and torture the students.. but this year will be different. See this red shirt? This red shirt is a mark of bravery and strength. It is a proven fact that those that wear red shirts and are completely generic in nature never succumb to anything bad. So I promise you, students of Hogwarts, that I shall survive this entire year.

And then he fell over. His dead face lying in the bowl of cabbage soup.


	4. In which Red Shirt Man dies

**Chapter 3**

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

At his Evil Lair of Evilness, Voldemort had just finished petting his snake and looked sadly in the mirror,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, why do I have no nose" he said sadly, "What is immortality if you can't smell the flowers or smell of the air after a warm summer rain,"

The mirror thought for a few moments and spoke,

"_Well.. if you ask me how I'm feeling.. I hope you understand.. never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around an_..."  
_"Crucio_" The mirror shattered and Voldemort fell to the ground, screaming and twitching in pain.

"Bloody hell Bella, what the hell!" He cried once he got himself together.

"Get yourself together man," She yelled furiously, "Here you are, in your Evil Lair of Evilness, supposedly the Dark Lord who's this evil villain and you're whining about flowers and summer rain. What's the plot this year? Are we going to spend a year to break into Hogwarts to steal some of Potter's socks? Or maybe we'll lure him out to some place where we've placed an easy to find and locate escape mechanism and spend a whole bunch of time explaining it to him... You know, when I joined I expected violence, torture, mayhem.. and what do I get? Chasing after an overrated Christmas Bauble for a year? I swear, if I weren't attracted to your lack of nostrils I'd find some other villain to serve."

"Calm down Bella," Voldemort said, smiling and twirling his wand, "this year is different. This year I have something really evil. At the end of it.. Harry will be begging me for his death."

Bella gave him a cold look, "And then you'll kill him? Like finally kill him? Really _Adava Kedavra_ it's not that hard."

"_Adava Kedavra..what a wonderful phrase,"_ Voldemort hummed joyfully.

Bellatrix facepalmed, "That's the spirit," she said flatly and left Voldemort humming alone with his snake.

Back at Hogwarts, Harry woke up with his head throbbing. He was right. Voldemort had come up with some evil plot. But this plot was supposedly less stupid than the other ones and he wasn't planning to kill him but to horribly torture him in some way. He got dressed quickly and ran down to the Great Hall to explain his vision to his friends.

"Vampire! Iz me Enoby! Y U keep igniting me? C'mon let's go to the MCR Concert and Do It and I'll let you put your thingy in my you know what and then we can slit our wrists sexily."

"Look, I am not a vampire, and I don't want to do any of that and I don't know what you are on about," Harry snapped. Then McGonagall's words came back to him and he remembered what it was like when he was a new first year. "Who are you? What house are you in? Are you a vampire?"

"I am Ebony Raven Goff Black Satin and I'm in Slytherin and I'm a vampire and a witch," she said sexily.

"Your robes say Gryffindor."

"The robes are a lie! Anyway, me and Bloody Mary r gonna go watch horror movies and hang ourselves if you want to come." She seemed slightly angry and Harry felt bad that he had lost his temper with her but he had never met a vampire before. He supposed that's just how they acted.

"These robes are so KAWAIII!" A girl in front of him giggled. She was blonde but she looked like something from Dudley's ninja video games except with everything in neon colours and weird looking puppies everywhere. "I'm Happy Su, I'm a ninja! And a witch! Believe it!"

She seemed very happy and excited, "I'm Harry Potter, it's nice to meet you Su, welcome to Hogwarts, I see you are in Gryffindor too.."

"BELIEVE IT!"

"Yes, yes, I believe it, I'm going to get some breakfast now..." He backed off.. slowly. The girl was kicking at something and yelling random things that made no sense. Two Gryffindors.. two really odd Gryffindors.. He wondered what house Nella was placed in, if she was in any state at all to go to school and whether Madam Pomfrey had determined what sort of curse had been done to her. He was so lost in thought that he almost bumped into a girl with shiny brown hair in an overly ornate braid with perfect teeth and gleaming light blue eyes.

"Hi! Don't worry, you didn't hurt me, I put a spell on myself that makes me immune to pain and injury, I'm a healer and an Auror you know. My name is Mary, I'm from New York City. You must be Harry Potter. I've read all about you. I'm sorry about those two girls. They're transfers too but they are so imperfect. Anyway, you look like you go want to tell your friends about your thoughts – I'm an expert Legillimens, so I know, but I'll let you to it. I'll be off practising the Wronski Feint if you want to join me later. Toodles" She bounced off effortlessly.

Harry finally got to the Great Hall and explained everything to Ron and Hermione.

"So, I think there's something going on, I know it. I saw it in a dream. Have either of you seen Nella? I think she might be the key to solving this."

"Stop. Harry. It's the first day of school. You know we have to get to at least after Christmas holidays for us to begin to unravel this plot and at least a few misfortunes have to happen needlessly. And we need to wait for Dumbledore to get back from his expedition of collecting sea shells for scientific research." Hermione explained and Ron nodded, though he was staring and drooling at the new Mary girl.

"Yes, you're right I suppose, but that vampire girl is already talking about people killing themselves, what if she hurts someone.. and Nella.. and who's our new DADA professor?"

"Oh, McGonagall got another Red Shirt Man, he seems a bit sturdier."

This Red Shirt Man did seem sturdier. In fact, he was rather rowdy, going around all the professors asking for dares.

"Nothing can defeat me, I am Red Shirt Man! YOLO!" He would yell out and beat his burly chest.

Professor Flitwick dared him to eat an enchanted fencing pineapple which he did with glee. Professor Sprout had him do battle with a venomous tentacula which he seemed to be adept at. Professor Snape looked annoyed and was trying to avoid the entire spectacle.

"I bet Snape's jealous. Look at him go!" Colin Creevy cheered.

Then Snape eyes turned large as Red Shirt Man took something from his robes and swallowed it, "Stop! That's poison! Stop! Red Shirt Man! STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STAHP! POISON! IDIOT!"  
"YOLO!" and there was a thump as Red Shirt Man fell to the floor, very much dead.


	5. Hermione's Lost Homework

**Chapter 5**

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Some weeks had passed since the passing of Red Shirt Man. It was lucky that McGonagall seemed to have an inexhaustible supply of them so they actually managed to get to DADA lessons. If they were lucky, they'd last an entire lesson before getting themselves killed. One even managed two whole days before impaling himself on an obelisk that had appeared out of nowhere.

The Trio's lessons had been harder than ever. Preparing for N.E.W.T.S. made preparing for O.W.L.S. seem pithy and they had started apparition lessons which were further frustrated as Red Shirt Men were assigned to teach them and seemed to be exceptionally good at fatally splinching themselves.

"Impressive," Luna Lovegood said in her dream-like way during one lesson as Red Shirt Man splinched himself into multiple pieces.

"Yeah, at least we'll know what not to do," Padma Patil laughed nervously as another Red Shirt Man came in to clean up the bits of the old one, slipped on a spleen and fell out the window.

Harry took the interruption as an excuse to go visit Nella who had remained in the infirmary. Madam Pomfrey was making every effort to try to get the poor girl to stand but she seemed to fall over and bump into walls. Harry reminded himself to make sure she never wore anything red.

As he entered the infirmary, she lay on the bed. She looked drab, like she had been moping for hours. Madam Pomfrey had her strapped to the bed for her own safety.

"How are you feeling Nella? Any better?"

"I'm fine. I keep telling them that. Back in Spoons, I used to walk into walls all day long and no one thought anything out of the ordinary."

"What kind of place is Spoons?"

"Oh, you know, houses, trees, roads, that kind of thing. What kind of house do you like Harry? Do you like houses? Perhaps you prefer camping? Tell me please.. it's so hard.."

"What's hard?"

"Not having opinions. I don't ever know what to think unless I meet the perfect guy so he can think for me and you are perfect Harry."

"Please, Nella, I'm far from perfect"

"Yes, yes you are. You are perfect! I want to marry you and have your baby and then we can get the baby engaged to your best friend!" For the first time she seemed to have some sort of emotion but the emotion she displayed disturbed Harry, clearly the girl was still ill and suffering the effects of Dark Magic.

"Please, Nella. When you were in Spoons, were there any people in black robes and masks?"

"Do you want there to be? If you want there to be then I'll say yes."

Harry shook his head, "I'm sorry Nella, I wish I could help. Perhaps when Dumbledore gets back from his expedition he may be able to help you but I'm going to go for now."

"Please! Please don't go!" She cried out, "Don't leave me!" And with that, she fell over, bed and all. The noise got Madam Pomfrey's attention as she attempted some spells to help the girl.

"I'm sorry Mr. Potter. I've tried everything. I can't seem to find out what's wrong. I think you are right. This is some sort of Dark Magic, I've asked Professor Snape and Professor Red Shirt Man to look into it. Dumbledore is learning some ballroom combat moves in Vienna or something."

"Red Shirt Man died Madam Pomfrey, fell out a window this time."

"No worries, we'll get another."

Harry came back to the Gryffindor Common Room doing his best to avoid the new students but Enoby had taken him by surprise.

"Vampire! Come on stop being preppp! I've had a horrible day! I had to kill myself five times because I saw Snap masticating on his broomstick and I'm out of blood and have to drink the artificially flavoured kind and that gives you cancer. Let's go do it! Put your thingy in my you-know-what!

"Enoby please, I don't know you like that, and there's nothing wrong with having a snack on a broom ride, it's strenuous exercise. But please, calm down. Stop with the suicide stuff. You're alive! Live! It's not like you have a red shirt."

She looked at him, crying tears of blood sexily. She looked at him, his eyes, his mother's green eyes and then she began rabidly French-kissing him. Harry fell to the ground, trying to wrestle the girl off but she was strong for someone who was constantly bleeding. Suddenly he felt another weight fall on him. Mary, who had been busy with wandless magic had jumped on Enoby.

"Get away from him! He's mine! He's the only one who doesn't hate me because I'm so talented and perfect!" She punched and kicked and threw spells that Harry didn't know but must have been powerful..

"_CROOKSHANKS! CROOKSHANKS!" _Enoby kept screaming.

"HIYAAAAAAH! Get away from him! He's mine! Believe it!" Now Su was throwing ninja kicks and jumped in the pile. Harry was powerless, pinned, getting hit with random spells, kicks, punches. He heard the sickening sound of his ribs snap and then pain and then it was all black.

Black.. like Enoby's miniskirt.. he shuddered awake feeling a nauseating ache throughout his entire body. Ron and Hermione stood over him looking worried. In the corner of his eye he saw Nella, looking at him expectantly. He must have been in the infirmary.

"What happened?" Harry asked weakly.

"They all attacked like a bunch of rabid harpies.. no scratch that, rabid harpies have better manners." Hermione said. She was shaking with anger.

"Are they gone now? What happened?"

"Gryffindor Tower is gone is what happened!" Hermione cried! "Mary divided by zero and it all blew up. Everything gone! My homework! Hedwig! My books! Colin Creevy! And Red Shirt Man who happened to be there at the moment.. Did I mention my homework?"

"Wait.. Colin Creevy and Hedwig are dead?"

"Yes, and my homework, which I worked on for hours..."

"So where do we stay now?"

Ron looked down at his feet, "Camping" he muttered.

The ache in Harry's body seemed to move to his scar and then it seemed to split open with agony.

"Mwahahahahahaha! Mwahahahahaha!"

"Very good my lord," Wormtail said, "Award-winning quality even."

"Oh stop with the false flattery, if I'm going to win it this year I have some stiff competition. That's not the point. The point is – Gryffindor Tower has fallen! They're going to be camping! Isn't that wonderful! My evil plan is finally taking shape!"

"Your evil plan is to make them live in tents?" Bellatrix said, "Two years ago they paid good money to live in tents for the Quidditch World Cup. Besides, wizard tents are nice. It's not like they're going to be suffering.. why don't you send a few of us over there, we'll torture them a bit, then kill them, then we can take over the wizarding world and get on with things."

"Are you the one with the Award Winning Evil Laugh? No, I didn't think so." Voldemort hissed, "Please Bella, have faith. This plan will be evil! It will be very evil! I promise. I won't let you down."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you said last night, and I was let down.. all night"

A few death eaters giggled. Voldemort blushed, "I'm under a lot of pressure ok!"

Bellatrix sighed, "If it wasn't for those flat nostrils.. fine, just hurry it up and kill him ok."

Voldemort looked out the window. It was raining sharks again. He smiled as they fell to the ground eating muggles in mid-air. This time.. this time.. he would get his revenge!


	6. Camping in 3000 Less Pages Than DH

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners). The Enoby bits don't really make sense unless you've read the brilliant My Immortal - but that is the best Harry Potter fanfic ever so there's no reason not to read it :)

So it's come to this.. Harry thought. Camping. He'd been sharing a tent with Hermione and Ron and everyone was mad at everyone since he was in the infirmary. Apparently Hermione's worries about her lost homework instead of the people who died made Ron angry and he went off, told Mary that he didn't hate her because she was beautiful and she kissed him but then called him Harry which made Ron mad at Harry and Harry was just mad at the whole thing because three girls, who came out of nowhere, were trying to date him and he wasn't the least bit interested.

And there was Nella who was still insane. She kept rambling on about how they'd live in a tent down by the river and get married and then he'd break her bones and then their baby would get married to Ron after they got Ron bitten so he'd be a werewolf. Out of all of them, he felt the worst for her because surely no sane mind could come up with ideas like that. Snape had examined her and could find no traces of Dark Magic but too was convinced that the girl must be cursed. Red Shirt Man tried to examine her but at least four died just getting to the infirmary so they decided to wait for Dumbledore instead.

It was times like this, with something this sensitive and private, he wished he had someone to talk to, a parent figure. Sirius. But Sirius was dead. His parents were dead. His aunt and uncle were useless. Dumbledore was gone. He sighed and went up to the DADA classroom. Red Shirt Man was grading papers and was still alive. At least he'd be dead before he had the chance to tell anyone anything embarrassing, thought Harry.

"Hullo Harry" Red Shirt Man said, "Now careful, I'm a haemophiliac so if I get a paper cut, it's all over for me I'm afraid."

"I'm sorry to hear that, I wanted to ask your advice.. and please, put that paper down.."

Red Shirt Man did and looked at Harry, "You know, you're the first one to come to me for advice. I know I've only been on the job a few hours since the last Red Shirt Man but it feels good. Now tell me, what can I do for you?"

"I have three crazy girls chasing after me and a fourth who is in love with me but has some very twisted fantasies and I'm afraid it's somehow part of Voldemort's plot. Last time, I ended up nearly dying and Gryffindor Tower blew up."

"I'm a Red Shirt Man Harry, death isn't something I fear and neither should you."

"You're saying I should become a Red Shirt Man? That's the stupidest advice I've ever heard"

"Oh come now, there's much stupide.. oh dear, I've cut myself"

Harry walked out dejected as Red Shirt Man quickly succumbed to his paper cut when he saw a Hufflepuff girl in silly pigtails who looked somewhat familiar and then he realised.. Draco Malfoy.

"Nice lipstick Malfoy."

"Thanks, I think it really goes with my ey.. shut up Potter." Draco snarled, "Come with me."

The two went down a corridor to the room of requirements and found themselves in a small quiet room.

"Look I shouldn't be telling you this.. but Enoby.. she keeps chasing after me.. keeps dropping her pants.. saying she wants you and me doing.. things," he shuddered "and drinking blood and slitting our wrists and doing all this dumb muggle stuff. I can't take it. I've been dressing up as a Hufflepuff girl to avoid her, she won't go near a Hufflepuff."

"So you know something.."

"I overheard my aunt Bellatrix talking to my mum, apparently the Dark Lord had some evil plan to use these girls to make you go camping or something. She thought it was really stupid and that he should just come and kill you which I agree with but hey, he's the one with the Award Winning Evil Laugh. "

"Camping.. that's what Nella said.. I'll be living in a tent down by the river.. but what does that have to do with an evil plot?"

"I don't know, all I know is that this lipstick makes my lips look twice as plump and stays on all day.. and we need to get rid of Enoby and those girls before we all end up like Red Shirt Man. Did he die already?"

"Haemophiliac.. grading papers... of course. But what can we do?"

"What you always do. Put yourself in mortal danger and things will magically work out so you don't die and the Dark Lord's plans get thwarted. He has an Evil Lair of Evilness. It's very Evil. Naturally you should go there."

"I know we haven't been friends but will you come with me? Ron and Hermione are mad at me for stupid reasons and it will take them at least a few paragraphs to catch up."

"Fine Potter, but I'm not taking off the make up or the wig..or the heels.. got it?"

"As you wish. You are right, it does bring out your eyes."

"Hippogriffs? Thestrals? Brooms? How are we going to get there?"

"Let's just apparate, none of us are wearing red shirts"

The two went out to the Dark Forest, careful to make sure the girls weren't following. Soon Hermione, Ron, Neville, Luna and Ginny had followed them.

"The Wizarding News Network said there was a 90% chance of Harry Potter going on a likely lethal journey and had you guys on the map so we followed, figured we'd go with you. As Red Shirt Man said, right before he drank that poison for no reason, YOLO."

"YOLO!" They all said in unison and, after checking for red shirts, apparated to the Evil Lair of Evilness.


	7. The Evil Lair of Evilness

**Chapter 6**

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Harry and his friends walked into the Evil Lair of Evilness which was open since it was during normal business hours.

Suddenly, Bellatrix and a bunch of Death Eaters apparated in front of them, cast disarming charms and bound them all with magical ropes.

Bellatrix looked absolutely stunned, "So it worked? That convoluted hair-brained idiotic plan actually worked? Perhaps I misjudged my dear nose-less one. Now, Dolohov, you take Granger, Crabbe, take Lovegood, Draco? Are those my earings? They look lovely on you. Goyle, take the ginger. I'll take Longbottom of course and the Dark Lord will take Potter. We'll torture them until they're near mad and kill them." She was gleeful, muttering under her breath "it worked! It actually worked."

"Not so fast Bella," a high pitched voice rang out, "Remember who has the Award Winning Evil Laugh. We can't just torture and kill them. First we have to place them in an escapable position and explain our entire evil plan. Then we can attempt to kill them."

Bellatrix groaned and sat in a corner sulking.

Mary Sue, Happy Su and Nella then all apparated. Nella was being held up by the other two so she wouldn't fall over. "We're here Master! We're here and we're here to take what's ours! Potter!"

"Where is Enoby?" Voldemort asked.

Enoby ran in sexily in her normal Hot Topic garb, "Preppps! O noes! Prepps! Snap and Loopin are outside on their broomsticks masticating! Sickos!"

"It was a long ride, we got hungry," Snape said calmly as he walked in chewing the remains of an apple.

"Seriously girl, what is your problem with people eating on broomsticks?" Lupin chimed in.

"No matter," Voldemort said rubbing his hands together, "My girls are here and they all have horcruxes so they can't be killed."

"Yeah prepps we got whores!" Enoby yelled.

Bellatrix facepalmed.

"Besides Snape, my slippery friend, I've heard you were just appointed DADA professor and everyone knows what happens to those"

Snape smiled curtly and removed his outer robes revealing a green Slytherin shirt.

"That's right. Green shirt. Bitches."

The Death Eaters attacked, Enoby pulled out her wand "_CROOKSHANKS! CROOKSHANKS!_"

"Stay away from my cat you foul thing!" Hermione yelled, throwing a stunning spell at her which barely missed.

"Shut up u prepp..." Enoby screamed but before she could curse Hermione, Snape sent a grammar book flying at her face, enchanting it to read aloud to her. Enoby fell over screaming and thrashing as the book spoke calmly, "A comma can be used to separate items in a series..."

"No! Make it stop!" She screamed and screamed but it was no avail. The grammar book kept reading and reading.

"Now Mary Sue," Snape said calmly, "What are you doing here? You are perfect and beautiful, blah, blah, blah. There is no man on earth that is worthy of you, least of all this little git here. If you want true happiness, you should literally go fuck yourself."

Mary Sue looked shocked. Even though she should know everything, she didn't know this. He was right. The only person right for her, was her. Only she could match herself in her perfection. And with that, she exited and all the men in the room looked at her longingly as she bounced out with perfect grace.

"And Happy Su," Lupin added, "There is a country called Japan where there are ninjas and people say Konichiwa as a greeting and I guess they occasionally break boards with their palms.. you should go there and study the culture, I think it would make you happy."

"Ja..pan?" Su looked oddly, "There's like a country and stuff? With Ninjas? KAWAIIII! I'm going there! BELIEVE IT!" And with that she ninja-teleported out.

"Not so fast," laughed Voldemort, "Nella is still here. Nella, my greatest weapon! Oh the pity poor Potter felt for her when he thought she was cursed. No, Potter she isn't cursed, she's just like that except now she has horcruxes and you have no escape! You shall spend the rest of your life with her!"

Nella lunged madly, not tripping over herself this time with the aid of many Death Eater Spells and tackled Harry to the ground. "Mine! All mine! We'll have babies! Lots of babies! And you'll break my bones and bruise me until I'm near death! It will be so romantic!"

Just then, Draco reached into his make up bag and pulled out a packet of glitter. He threw it, hitting Wormtail. Nella stopped attacking Harry and looked at the rat-like man with utter delight!

"You sparkle! You are my dream! Marry me, and we will live in a tent by the river!" And with those words she fell into his arms.

Wormtail shrugged, a tent, by the river not as bad as having to carry out yet another one of the Dark Lord's stupid plans. "Let's go Nella, I promise to break every one of your bones after we get married and Greyback can marry our baby."

Voldemort spat angrily at the ground, "Just when I think I have a good plan you all have to ruin it. Well, I'll still come up with something.. something good!"

Harry yawned, "Yeah, just owl me when you're ready. I'm tired and Hermione still needs to find her homework.

Harry and his friends and Lupin and Snape walked out of the Evil Lair of Evilness without being bothered by the Death Eaters who looked sad and dejected.

Just then, someone apparated.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUCKERS!"

It was... Dumbledore.

"Albus," Remus said, "We've already dealt with Voldemort's plot, we were just about to go back to the castle and have some treacle tart."

"Oh, in that case, carry on. I apologise for my absence. There were some very important broomstick hexes at the European Cup I had to investigate."

Just then one of the poorly rendered sharks rained down and ate Dumbledore.

"_Sectusempra!,"_ Snape cut the shark open but it was too late. Dumbledore was dead. Harry knelt down and to his horror, underneath the Headmaster's robes was a red shirt.

"I told him not to go to that bull fighting tournament," Snape sighed.


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling and publishers, all the stupidity is mine.. all mine.. mwahahahaha..ha. (except for the pop-culture references which belong to their respective owners)

Epilogue – 19 years later

Harry was walking with Draco, who was wearing the latest fashion from Witch Weekly (and of course, aunt Bella's earrings) down the platform to the Hogwarts Express with their son, Albus Red Shirt Man and daughter, Lily

"Now remember son," Harry said proudly, "You are named after the two most brave men I ever knew. Albus Dumbledore and Red Shirt Man."

"Yes dad, I know. You've told me. Over and over again. You got it tattooed on me when I was four."

"I was afraid you'd forget... Oh son, remember what Draco and I told you."

"Yes, dad I know, never wear a red shirt ever, and always carry an umbrella in case it rains sharks."

Hermione and Ron got married, predictably. However, after a year of bickering they split up. Ron got re-married to Lavender Brown and they turned out to be perfect together. They run a divination and bunny breeding business. Hermione married Seamus Finnegan. Together they run a charity turning water into rum for pirates suffering from sobriety.

McGonagall continued as Headmistress and Gryffindor tower was rebuilt. They added math classes to make sure no one would try to divide by zero again.

Snape and Lupin bonded together over their love of long-distance broom riding. They were just recently married and continue to take long romantic broom rides together... and they always bring a snack in case they get hungry.

Nella and Wormtail, who was still sparkling, were living in a tent, down by the river. They had gotten married, had a baby who was engaged to Fenrir Greyback at birth which was not at all creepy, they divorced due to Wormtail refusing to break her skull one night, but they've reconciled and are still living in that tent, down by the river with their baby girl Ermaghersadaffdsme.

Mary Sue went back to New York City and using her superior knowledge of everything, made a clone of herself who she married. Finally she was with someone who would not abandon her for being too beautiful or smart or talented. She had 3.14 perfect children with herself and then, being too perfect for Earth, invented a rocket and a space colony from where she, her clone wife, their 3.14 children, 2 dogs and a cat operate a successful chiropractic practise.

Hello Su went to Japan like Snape told her to and got really pissed off. People there didn't yell KAWAII for no reason and broke random pieces of wood and there were no neon dressed ninjas to be found.. and everyone spoke this strange, non-English language. She went back to wherever she was from originally and started a successful cult. Their motto? BELIEVE IT!

Enoby has been confined to St. Mungo's closed ward since the attack. Although healers know how to remove the grammar book from her, they've decided not to, concluding that she's a "bloody annoying little git and should know the difference between 'there' and 'they're' after nineteen bloody years." She still struggles with basic grammar and gets packages from Hot Topic every year from a secret admirer.

Bellatrix left Voldemort and started her own evil enterprise where she actually kills her victims before explaining the entire convoluted plot to them. She currently controls a large part of Wizarding Europe where she's instituted a reign of terror, torture and murder but no one's really concerned about that. She's won the Best European Evil Villain Laugh Award for the last four years in a row and is perfectly happy with her husband after she cut off his nose.

Voldemort was disgraced by the failure of his latest plot. He was expelled from the Association of Evil Villains and had his Evil Laugh Awards confiscated. He recently tried to make a comeback on Dancing With The Death Eaters but lost to Augustus Rookwood... by a nose.

Gilderoy Lockheart made a miraculous recovery. He plans to write a book about how he single-handedly stopped the shark rains once they stop.

All Was Well.


End file.
